“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."


This is a personal blog about a woman - as a daughter, a wife, a career woman, a homemaker, a mommy - and her thoughts and feelings through out her personal/work lives, as a citizen of her beloved country, her previous journey to motherhood and her journey as a mommy. This blog has no intention to offend or to have an influence on anyone. Read at your cost. Erti kata lain, if x suka, u r welcome to click the "X" on the top right hand corner. Erti kata lain lagi, tak payah ler baca...

Monday, 17 September 2012

Selamat Tinggal Sayang Mummy..

I was still in Ipoh when it happened.  Two days after we were informed of our baby's non viable due to the absence of heartbeat I started to have on and off tummy cramp.  And of course followed by blood spotting and stained.  Though the tummy cramps were a little unusual from my normal menstrual cramps, it was still bearable.  Nothing much happened the whole day. So duduk la melepek dalam bilik hotel ni layan drama kat tv!

Petang tu, hubby came back from his work and asked if everything is ok.  I told him that I think I was undergoing the process as I had already started bleeding a little.  He said if there is too much bleeding, make sure I tell him immediately.  I nodded.  Risau bebenor laki ku ni... huhuhu... sayang bini la katakan.. hik hik..

At around 8pm, we went out to have dinner with his colleagues.  At the dinner, my cramps were a little bit bad than before... still I can actually bear with it.  I guessed my tolerance for pain is quite high hence I can still endure the pain of the process.  I am not sure how contraction during delivery feels like since I never give birth before.  But the cramp I was having were like every 2 mins. So tu kira cam contraction ke?  And I remembered at one point, the cramp was ultimately sucks!  I had to put down my folk and spoon and breath slowly.  And after that 1 ultimate pain, my cramps were suddenly disappeared.  I was so thankful!

We sat there chit chatting but I was quite restless and tired.  So I asked hubby if we can go now.  Hubby nodded.  Annndddd.....the moment I stand up from the chair, I can feel a chunk of jelly coming out from below.  Oh gosh!   Thank god I wore a sanitary.  But oppss! I touched the front part of my pants and looked at my fingers, it was BLOOD!  Alamakkkkk!! Nasib la pakai suar kaler hitam... so tak nampak la darah yg dah kena kat seluar ni...    

The moment we reached our hotel room, I straight away went to the toilet and checked.  There it was, a palm size placenta.  I called hubby and he looked at it.  I was reluctant to flush it down the toilet and insisted to bury it.  So hubby said ok and asked me to wash it.  While washing and flipping the placenta very carefully, my fingers touched a small fragile round balloon like shape.  As I was looking very closely at it and inside, there it was, our baby.  a very tiny little baby with tiny hands which have started developing.  He was very tiny.. pea size tiny.  I called my hubby again.  He looked and said "Dah besar dah" and I replied "Takpe la b, takde rezeki kita". :(

I was so amazed to see everything especially my tiny baby.  Not a single tears dropped.  It was a miracle.  I thank god for giving me the chance to hold my tiny baby with my fingers.  I was thankful that I chose to naturally miscarry and get to see everything that came out.  I guessed it was like a closure to me to see my tiny baby.

We washed everything up and kept in the freezer since we wanted to bring back home to bury it properly.  My dad buried my tiny baby at the Subang Jaya mosque.  Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah, proces miscarry ni dipermudahkan.  Hubby said, anak kita ni anak yang baik.. dia keluar dengan baik dan mudah.  Told hubby that before I miscarried, I was telling our baby this:

"sayang, if sayang sihat, sayang stay ok, bertahan and be strong.  Tapi kalau sayang tak sihat, mummy redha kalau sayang kena keluar. mummy sentiasa doakan sayang"

And hubby hugged me. 

Sesungguhnya, kami redha di atas ketentuan Mu, Ya Allah.  Berilah kami ketabahan dan kekuatan yang berterusan.  Semoga ada rezeki untuk kami lagi.  Amin.

To my baby...
12.09.12  -  rest in peace baby mummy.. walaupun baby dalam rahim mummy hanya untuk 9 minggu, mummy & daddy happy sangat dengan kehadiran baby.  Tapi Allah lebih sayang kan baby.  Kami redha.  Tunggu mummy and daddy kat sana ye sayang.  Selain kenangan baby dlm rahim mummy, hanya gambar ultrasound scan yang mummy ada and mummy akan simpan.  Mummy akan sentiasa doakan sayang.


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