“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."


This is a personal blog about a woman - as a daughter, a wife, a career woman, a homemaker, a mommy - and her thoughts and feelings through out her personal/work lives, as a citizen of her beloved country, her previous journey to motherhood and her journey as a mommy. This blog has no intention to offend or to have an influence on anyone. Read at your cost. Erti kata lain, if x suka, u r welcome to click the "X" on the top right hand corner. Erti kata lain lagi, tak payah ler baca...

Friday, 14 September 2012


Sorry for the long awaits! Life is quite busy it seems.  As promised, a long piece of post to be written by me as a remembrance of the recent event that I have just gone through.  A post for me to remember of the sweetness of the moment, though it was only for a very short while.  Ok tatau la how long kan the post will be kan, tapi untuk tak membosankan semua and x memenatkan diri sendiri menaip, will try to cut short some details yah!

Like many other married couple, unless if they are planning, having a baby would be the next thing on the list.  Same goes with us.  We got married in early 2011 and of course our next target is to conceive fast!  Our rezeki tak la secepat some other couples. Kawin2 dah conceived kan.  Kami redha.  Bahagian masing2 la kan.  Anyway, the fifth month of our marriage, my AF was late by 2 weeks and I dikejutkan by a vague double line on a UPT that I did at home.  Not to get very excited about that, we act like nothing happened.  we do things that we always do like usual.  Little that I know, a very early pregnancy is indeed very fragile.  I lost the pregnancy  at 4 weeks.  Nak kata sedeh mmg la sedeh.  But because we didn't really expect it and tak sempat pun nak pergi check kat clinic masa ada 2 lines tu, so bila miscarriage tu, kami masih boleh terima.  We went to the clinic after the miscarriage.  Did the UPT and confirmed pregnancy lost.  Since I was quite stable, no tummy pain and not bleeding excessively, I was asked to go home and rest.  Doc ckp kalau sakit sgt perut tu, then come back sbb takut ada complication etc.  Alhamdulillah, after a week or two I stop bleeding and start la tempoh berpantang time tu.

Time passed by and of course we tried again and again and again each month.  But it is beyond our control and week after week, month after month, we still didn't conceive.  Kami redha. Dah berstick2 UPT to di pee kan but still no double lines.  Hmm... belum rezeki.... takpe la, Allah lebih mengetahui apa yg terbaik untuk kami.

Ramadhan 2012, approximately 1 year 5 months of our marriage, once again, for the second time, my UPT was positive.  Kali ni mmg unexpected juga.  What happened was, I felt it was kinda weird that Ramadhan was ended but my AF still did not show up.  Of cos, i have already started feeling the cramping on and off.  Nak buat UPT, I had ran out of stock sbb asyik dok pee jer atas stick tu before this.  So.. I just waited for the AF to show itself.  Waited for few days, but hey! cannot tahan.  So pergi juga la ke Guardian beli the pregnancy test.  And there it was.. a stick with 2 very clear lines!  Again, we do not want to be too excited about it.  We went to a clinic to confirm the pregnancy and Alhamdulillah, it was 4 weeks.

And so, we went through the raya dengan penuh berdebar2.  Menjaga setiap langkah and pemakanan.  MIL was so concerned that she refrained me from doing any house chores during raya.  Mmg byk berehat je la sbb semua org pun suruh berehat kan.

After came back from hometown, I had my 1st check up at KKKJ a week after Syawal 2012.  And I was at 6 weeks.  Alhamdulillah.. passed the week when I had my miscarriage before.  Nevertheless, due to my family history of diabetes and my VERY VERY BAD BMI, I was asked to do a Modified Glucose Tolerance Test (MGTT).  I was asked to fast the night before the test.  The first blood sample was taken in the morning before I was asked to drink a glass of glucose drink and another blood sample was taken 2 hours after that.  As expected, my result was BAD!  7.7 mmol before and 12.6 mmol after.  :(

Due to that, I was again, asked to do a Blood Sugar Profile (BSP) the following week.  At this time I was 7 week pregnant.  And again, my BSP was not that good either.  6.7mmol/5.6/7.8/4.6.  My result de-ranged and the Doctor confirmed I was having a gestational diabetes i.e. diabetes during pregnancy.

Since then, I had to control my diet.  No more sugar or high intake of carbs for me.  I was ok... for the sake of the baby, i did control my diet.  I was scheduled for my 1st scan the coming week.  As much as I was so worried about my baby, I was also so excited to see him.  

And the nightmare began..

It was the 10th of September 2012.  The day we were scheduled for the scanning was the day hubby had to go for his audit field trip in Ipoh.  Of course I would be following him lah since I am currently a full time housewife kan.  We went for the scanning in the morning.  We did the scanning at this place not far from the KK.  After the scanning, I was asked by the sonographer to go back to the KK and show the MO their findings.  I asked if everything was ok and the sonographer just asked us to go back to the KK and the MO there will let us know the result from the scan.

After a very very very long WAIT, I finally saw the MO.  Luruh seluruh jantung, when I was told that my baby had no heartbeat! The MO said that I had to go for a D&C to remove the embryo.  Ya Allah, I was speechless.  I asked if I could call my hubby in.  And when I told him, I can see how upset and shocked he was.  I  think I was more frustrated to see his sadness.  I was straight away referred to the hospital.

We went home after that.  I was crying so badly in the car.  Hubby was just driving quietly.  I guessed he was too shocked that he lost his words to say anything to comfort me.  I was still crying when we reached home and headed straight to bed.  The tears just would not stop.  I asked Allah... 


Why did he give me the baby and took it back?

What have I done wrong?

Was it because I tak cukup memanjatkan kesyukuran maka Dia ambil balik baby dalam kandungan I?

My questions were left hanging... 

Hubby came, he lied next to me, touched my back and said "sayang, it's ok".  Then he came nearer and held me in his arms.  Makin laju la I nangis.  It was just silence.. well except for my tears.  After about half an hour I was in his arms, and by that time I had already stop crying, he asked, if I was ready to go to the hospital.  I said yes.

We went to UMMC emergency.  By that time it was already 3pm.  The waiting was not too long before my name was called.  The MO asked some questions, took my blood and urine sample and asked to wait for a gynae to come.  About half an hour after that, the gynae arrived.  She was so comforting.  She explained all the things that I need to know.  I just fall in love with her immediately.  She did the TVS scanning and said that she could clearly see the embryo and  yeap.. no heartbeat.  I was given 2 options either to remove my baby using D&C procedure or a natural miscarriage.  After giving some thoughts and considerations, I told her that I want to go for a natural process.  She nodded and asked to come back in 2 weeks time for re scanning.  She did mention that if the process happened within the 2 weeks, unless there is excessive bleeding (based on my own judgement), I should straight away rush to the hospital.  Otherwise, it is ok to let my body to withdraw the content from my uterus naturally.  After 2 weeks she will re scan to confirm whether my miscarriage was complete or not.

We went home from the hospital and I was so much better than before.  I have started to accept what was happening.  Hubby asked if I still want to follow him to Ipoh and I said yes.  I just did not want to be alone when the process happens.  

So we drove to Ipoh that very night.

p/s:  to be continued... with when the process happened...

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